Better luck next time (or something)

This Tuesday’s album releases made me feel terribly ignorant of the musical world, seeing as I didn’t really know a single one of the artists coming out with a new album. Oh, except for Bullet For My Valentine. I guess I owe my guy friends’ high school hardcore/screamo cover band for that. As for everyone else (Who ARE all you people? Am I missing out on something here?), I’ll do my best at what will probably end up being an ostensible album release coverage. I’ll give each band a little listen and a little research and hope for the best. So here it goes.

First up, B.o.B presents: The Adventures of Bobby Ray. I heard you were good in last week’s staff meeting. Didn’t know you were a rapper until I just took a gander on your Web site. So your name’s Bob? That’s cool. That’s my grandpa’s name, too. OK. You’re a fine rapper. I can dig it. You did a song with Hayley Williams from Paramore, which is weird. But… I sort of like it. Should I be ashamed? I’m not. I’m sure this album will do great. It’s one that people who predominantly like indie music won’t be that bashful of liking. Sort of like Kanye West. It’s must be your high top, colorful Nikes and your aviator sunglasses. Gets us every time. See you at Lollapalooza.

Moving on. Bullet For My Valentine’s Fever is next. I may be a bit hostile towards them; I spent far too many years being forced to listen to them at full volume in the basements of my friends’ homes. “Come on, guuuuys. I just wanna listen to The Killers!” Anyway, your album cover looks stupid and vampire-y. And that pale girl needs to put on some clothing. Half naked, animated women with triple D breasts were only cool for about three seconds when Anime was at its peak eight years ago. As for your music, I feel like I should be seizing angrily, for lack of a better description. I wish you wouldn’t whisper, “Is it my turn to die?” It makes me feel uncomfortable. And your double bass drumming is getting a little monotonous. I feel like I can breathe when I turn your music off. I don’t like it. Not one bit. Sorry.

Drowning Pool, I KNEW you sounded familiar. You did that song about bodies hitting the floor right? Yeah. Your self-titled new album says nothing new about you except that you’re maybe getting too old to be doing this. You might actually not even be that old, but your music is painstakingly outdated, so that’s the only conclusion that I can come to.

Gogol Bordello, you seem real silly. Your ethnicity is fascinating, and your music definitely sounds unique. But to be honest, Trans-Continental Hustle sort of annoys me. I wouldn’t be surprised if some people find it really entertaining and easy to listen to, but as for me, I’m having a hard time getting through one song. It’s fun, I guess. But it’s not for everyone. However, you do grow a fine mustache, my man. A fine mustache indeed.

My Education, an ambient sort of band (and one that I was unfamiliar with until now), is probably one of the only decent albums coming out this week. What I was expecting upon listening to them for the first time was jumpy indie rock, but what I got was quite different. Despite the album title, Sunrise, this is a pretty dark-sounding album with intense and somewhat eerie instrumentalism, maybe like Explosions in the Sky or Kaki King when she’s not singing.

So I felt bad about not being too familiar with these new bands for about 20 minutes until I realized that maybe I wasn’t missing out on much. Critical and bias though I may be, this week in music is just downright disappointing. Better luck next week.

-Hannah Cook, Staff Writer